Lesbian 101 – Lesson Three: Coming Out

Recap of last lesson: Coming to terms with your sexuality (whatever it might be), is going to be one of the best things you can do for yourself. Knowing exactly where you stand will help you overcome future obstacles.

Onto Lesson Three: Coming Out

WARNING: this will be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. And results aren’t guaranteed.

You now know, for a fact, that you are gay. There is no denying it. And you’ve accepted yourself for who you are. That’s great, really, but that alone won’t give you a happy life. It’s not enough to be knowledgeable of your sexuality – you have to be able to live freely.

And living freely means telling the people closest to you that you’re gay.

This isn’t going to be easy. There is no way to sugar coat the potential disastrous outcomes that can result from coming out, especially if the people you are coming out to are narrow-minded.

Then why come out at all?

Who wants to live in a closest their whole like?! Honestly, no one. No one likes hiding their true self from people, especially family and friends. It involves constant lying and paranoia, and that kind of stress can ruin your life. You may lose friends or family members when you come out to them, but wouldn’t you rather be out and be proud then hiding away like a coward?

Clarification: not all people who are still in the closet are cowards. Everyone has to come out at their own time, when they are ready to do so.

But if it is your time, and you are ready to come out, I hope this blog post will help.

Many people might try to come out to their parents first. I actually do not agree with this. Parents can be some of the most difficult people to come out to, and you have to really be mentally prepared to deal with the outcome. I suggest coming out to a really close friend first, especially if you are in your teens/early twenties. Usually, for adults who haven’t come out yet to their family, they live on their own. So their friends are more likely to be knowledgeable of their sexuality because they are living a life separate from their parents. But many younger individuals, especially if they are underage, live under the thumb of their families.

If you are young, or still live with your parents, tell your closest friend first. This friend should be someone you trust, who is your friend because they like the real you. But, how exactly do you come out to them?

You should go out to lunch or coffee with your friend. This puts you in a public setting where most people tend to feel calmer. Do not, and I repeat, do NOT come out to someone over text message or email. I have personal experience with something similar, and I can tell you that only bad things will come of it. This needs to be face-to-face. You may not want to do it at your house, or theirs, because you do not want families’ opinions to get in the way, or accidentally come out to someone you weren’t ready to come out to. Unless you live on your own, that is.

Tell your friend that you have something important to confess to them, and that it is difficult for you to tell them. Because, trust me, it will be hard to come out to someone for the first time. You might choke, or chicken out, or open your mouth and no words come out. If the friend you pick is really your closest friend then, guess what?  They probably already know you’re gay, or they may have figured it out by how nervous you are. They may interrupt you at this point, and point out that they have known or that they have just guessed.

If they don’t interrupt, then you cannot escape saying the words “I’m gay” – and I can tell you not to just blurt it out, but at this point your nervousness is so intense you probably will blurt it out. And all you have to say to your friend is: “I’m gay, and it’s who I am. I value our friendship, and I hope this doesn’t change our relationship.”

Now, if they are really truly your friend, they won’t care. They shouldn’t care. Being gay doesn’t change who you are – it doesn’t change your personality or make you become someone you’re not. If they’re your friend, they will understand that this is a turbulent time in your life. They will accept you for who you are and embrace your sexuality as a point of worth in your friendship.

If they do not do any of the above, they I hate to tell you this…they aren’t you friend. You should drop them, immediately.

Friends are the easiest to come out to, though. Usually you pick your friend’s in accordance to your likes, dislikes, and personalities. So your friends are more likely to take news as good news.

It’s your family that will be the hardest. But here’s a little insider tip: your family members may not take it well at first (mine didn’t), but eventually they will. They will have their “aha” moment. One day, maybe without warning, they will turn around and start accepting you, without any explanation. Mine did. This means that, internally, they have accepted that which they cannot change, and have decided that it isn’t really such a big deal.

To come out to your family members, you’re going to want to do almost the same thing as above. Bring your closest family members into the main room in your house, and tell them you have something to tell them. Explain to them that this is very hard for you, that you do not want to hurt anyone, but you have been hiding something for years and you just have to tell them. You can’t keep it in any longer. It’ll be one of the most nerve-wrecking things you may ever have to do, but just take a deep breath and say “I’m gay, but that doesn’t change who I am. I am still the same person I was five minutes ago. I still love all of you.”

If your family is awesome, or if they have already figured it out, they won’t take this news badly. They will be able to accept your sexual orientation instantaneously. If your family is shocked by this news, or maybe is more of a traditional family, you will have some speed bumps. They may have a mild reaction, where they will only take a few days to accept this fact. Or they may have a very severe reaction. You have to hope for the best, but expect the worst. My parents’ reactions weren’t exactly the greatest – there was a lot of crying and a lot of yelling. But almost three years have passed and they have come to accept me, and my partner, fully. Time isn’t your enemy, but your friend. Some family members are not ready to hear that their child is gay, and react badly. They may need some time and space before realizing that they cannot change it, so they might as well accept their child for who they are, and not try to change them.

A good idea is to do some research. There are some books that have a collection of coming out stories. Look online at blogs and videos about people’s coming out stories. Get advice from friends who have gone through similar situations. Go to a LGBTQ group in your school or community and speak with the people involved in it. Knowledge and preparedness are your best weapons. Know how to answer the tough questions family members will throw at you. Know where to go if things don’t go the way you planned it.

We are all hoping for easy and happily received outing. But it doesn’t always happen. Not everyone is going to come out in the same way, and not everyone is going to react in the same way. They may yell at you, they may say hurtful things, they may cry, they may hug you and tell you it’ll be alright. That’s why it’s good to be prepared. Know who to go to, and who to talk to, when things get hairy.

After the hurdle of friends and family, who you come out to next is up to you. It could be your co-worker, your boss, your neighbor…but it’ll be easy. You’ll have this weight lifted off your shoulders from coming out to your family that it’ll be no big deal. All of a sudden you’ll be like “Yeah, I’m gay. So what?” Trust me, family is tough. After you get that behind you, everything becomes easier.

Because it really isn’t a big deal, right? Who cares what anyone thinks? You’re gay, you can’t change it, so might as well smile wide and be proud.

So you can do it. You can come out to the people who you love. And remember, they love you too. They might act shocked, hurt, and defensive, but they love you, no matter what they say in the heat of the moment. Some people just need more time than others. But you can do it – I have faith in you. I believe in you.

And after you come out to the people who matter, and you can breathe again and smile again, you’re on to the next step: knowing your community.

Lesbian Terminology – “Deb”

Deb

noun

1. Someone is who a “Debbie Downer” – pessimistic and negative. Someone who brings the whole atmosphere down.

2. Can also be used to refer to someone who is annoying or someone you dislike.

If you’ve ever watched The Real L Word, then you know where this term comes from.

I don’t believe it’s used too often in East Coast lesbian slang…at least not where I’m from.

But, I think it’s safe to say – gay or straight – we all know some Debs.

Lesbian Terminology – “Lone Star Lesbian”

Lone Star Lesbian

noun

1. A lesbian who has only slept (or been with) one woman their whole life.

Ah, the lone star lesbian. A woman who has only been with one other woman…ever!

This concept isn’t a rarity, however. It happens within heterosexual relationships too. High school sweethearts, your first relationship has been your only relationship…there is a lone star within every orientation!

(I am a proud Gold Star/Lone Star!)

Lesbian 101 – Lesson Two: Coming To Terms With Your Sexuality

This lesson is overdue. And for that, I apologize.

Recap of last lesson: Questioning your sexuality is a natural part of maturing as an individual. So, if you are thinking that you might be gay, it is absolutely nothing to panic over.

Onto Lesson Two: Coming To Terms With Your Sexuality.

There are a lot of opinions out there. Some will tell you what you are feeling is just a phase. Some will tell you that you are just second guessing yourself, and to let that idea go. Others will try to get you to believe that what they are saying is the truth.

Ignore them. Ignore them all. No one can tell you how to feel, who to love. The only person who can uncover the truth is yourself.

If you are struggling to come to terms with the fact that you might be gay, know that you are not alone. Many struggle with these exact issues. And there is a way to deal with it.

You need to spend some time to reevaluate yourself. Go somewhere quiet where you can be alone, and think. This is key! You need to think. Think about who you are, what makes you you. Remember all of the positive things about you, and know that no matter what your sexuality is, it does not determine your self-worth.

Having said that, you will need to do some intense thinking. Imagining yourself as both heterosexual and homosexual – ignore social norms and figure out which one feels more natural to you. When you imagine yourself kissing someone, is it always a girl? Do you find women attractive, and in more than just a physical way? Which gender makes your heart race and palms sweat more?

Homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, asexual, pansexual – they are all just labels used to describe types of love. Focus less on the labels and more on your feelings. How you feel is more important than how other people might label you.

Coming to terms with your sexuality takes time. It won’t happen over night. You’ll go through some emotions, very similar to the Five Stages of Grief. You’ll begin in denial (“No, I’m not gay. I can’t be.”), move through anger (“Why is this happening to me?”), bargaining (“Maybe if I experiment a little I’ll find out I’m not actually gay…”), depression (“I can’t believe I might be gay. My life is ruined.”), until finally you come to the most important stage: acceptance.

Accepting your sexuality (no matter what it is) is a profound experience. It’s this moment where your mind suddenly become crisp and clear. You stop, and realize that, yes, this is your sexuality and that it isn’t that bad. When you accept your sexuality, you will feel this huge weight lifted off of your shoulders. Suddenly, everything falls into place. All your problems have a source and all your feelings have a reason. Suddenly, you can’t stop smiling.

Acceptance of yourself is such a great feeling, it’s almost indescribable. Some people have always known that they were gay. It takes others a long time to come to terms with their own sexuality. No pace is wrong, or too slow. You have to take your time and really feel confident in yourself.

No one can tell you what to be. If you’re gay, you’re gay! You cannot decide to be gay or straight, you can only decide how and when you will accept your sexuality.

And when, and if, you accept your sexuality, it will feel amazing. Your confidence level will raise, and suddenly it will feel like you could conquer the world. You need to realize that you are never alone. Reaching out to others who have gone through this exact process can bring new light to your situation. Finding support forums on the internet or talking with someone you personally know and trust can help you muddle through all the useless stuff and help you find that acceptance.

Like everything in life, there are things you cannot change. You cannot change your sexuality, you can only change your reaction to it. If you choose to accept that you are gay (or straight, or bi, or whatever), it is a huge step in your growth as a person that needs to be celebrated.

Once you have accepted your sexuality, you need to congratulate yourself. Because you are one step closer to your next step: coming out.

Lesbian Terminology – “Hasbian”

Hasbian

noun

1. A woman who once identified herself as a lesbian

2. A woman who had, at one time, dating other woman or had been in one or many lesbian relationships, who is now in a heterosexual relationship.

Okay, just like LUG, there is controversy.

I believe there are two forms of hasbians.

The first form is a less offensive form. These are bisexual women who have had same-sex relationships in the past and are just exploring the opposite sex. They are not disregarding the lesbian aspect of bisexuality, they are just exploring the heterosexual side of it, and many people often mislabel them and their motives. I know a couple of these cases and none of them deny their lesbianism, because they identify as bi, and we all know that bisexuality means being sexually attracted to both sexes. So really, calling these individuals hasbians could be offensive to them.

More often than not, unfortunately, this term is used to describe a more offensive form.

This offensive form is a woman who once dated other woman, once identified as a lesbian, and then began dating men. And once involved in a heterosexual relationship, denies that she was ever a lesbian and sometimes even disses homosexuality. This is the type of hasbian that so many of us lesbians have problems with. We fight so hard to make people believe that being gay isn’t a choice, and someone like this comes along and makes us seem frivolous. These types of hasbians make it seem like lesbians can be converted to heterosexuals.

Lesbian Terminology – “LWI” and “LUI”

(FYI, while the definition has been around for, well, forever, I have not been able to discover an actual name for it. So I made these up, essentially. Booyah, bitches!)

LWI

noun, action, title (?)

Acronym – “Lesbian While Intoxicated”

LUI

noun, action, title (I don’t know, grammar sucks ass)

Acronym – “Lesbian Under the Influence”

Both have the same definition:

1. A woman who is 100% hetero when sober, but under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol finds herself making out with girls or even going further.

We all have a straight friend who has committed a LWI or a LUI. They’ve been dating this guy for years. They are perfectly happy with their heterosexuality. They like dick. The next thing you know is you’re seeing photos of them from some party and they are making out with chicks left and right. And you’re staring at them, jaw unhinged, wondering when the fuck the apocalypse is going to start.

Yup, been there, done that.

It’s known that alcohol and drugs can loosen up even the most stuck up individual. So only natural that it makes some more open about sexuality in general. We all know alcohol makes you say and do things you wouldn’t if you were sober. Many, though, have repeating LWI/LUI offenses.

There are some explanations here. One is that the alcohol and/or drugs are making them feel pretty loose and wild and they’ll do anything while intoxicated (or do anything for attention, although not always the case). The other is that maybe they are closeted, and alcohol “brings out the truth”. Another is that these are bisexual women. This is less looked into though because substances that alter your mental state are involved, and many overlook things done under the influence because of this.

Personally, I don’t know how you can make-out with a girl one night and go back to men for the rest of your life. Then again, I am a lesbian, so I guess I’ll never understand.

Lesbian Terminology – “LUG”

LUG

noun

1. Acronym – stands for “Lesbian Until Graduation”

2. Young, sheltered collegiate women who exemplify lesbian tendencies or who engage in queer relationships only to return to the heterosexual community after graduating with a degree.

There is actually a lot of controversy surrounding this term. To many deep within the lesbian community, LUGs are frivolous, confused hetero-chicks who just want to try something new (or make their boyfriend’s jealous). For other lesbians, it is a ridiculous term, conjured by the media in order to portray lesbian relationships as illegitimate happenings of sexual exploration – and also to strengthen the idea that gay is a choice.

Google the term (in full form, the acronym just brings up unrelated results) and you find articles from Autostraddle and AfterEllen on the subject. Also, independent bloggers will talk about the term. You can read about all the different objections people have to this term.

Even though, as a lesbian, I believe that sexual orientation is instinctual, I do believe that sexual explorations does occur, especially in college (maybe as a result of rebellion). And I can honestly say I know a few LUGs.

But then that opens up another suggestion: could LUGs be bisexual women, and instead of building up this idea, we try to disapprove that there is such a thing as bisexuality by calling them “hasbians” (another term to define in the future).

All you have to know, bitches, is what LUG means.

P.S. LUG has other variants, including “GUG” (Gay Until Graduation) and “BUG” (Bi Until Graduation).

Lesbian 101 – Lesson One: So You Might Like Girls.

Maybe you’ve always known you were different. Strange. You didn’t quite fit in. And even when it seemed like you did, there was hesitation in letting yourself settle into the niche.

Maybe you’ve shouted too loudly against gay rights. Been overzealous. Go out of your way to make sure people understand you are not, in any way, gay. Feeling the need to compensate for something. Constantly anxious. Panicky.

Maybe you’ve slept around. Been boy crazy. Again, overzealous. Compensating for something unforeseen. Insecure. Unable to commit. Moving from one relationship to another at an alarming rate.

Or maybe you’ve never quite felt right around men. Find them strange. Not relatable. They make you nervous, and you clam up whenever one is around. You act cold towards them. You can’t trust them.

Ever been through a tomboy stage? Ever found yourself staring at another girl? Ever found yourself wondering, what if I liked girls?

Homosexuality isn’t one-dimensional. It’s multifaceted. Not every lesbian is butch. Not every lesbian feels the same way. Not every lesbian has the same story. Every human is prone to feel, at some time in their life, that they might be gay, even if it’s just a tiny, passing thought that disappears as fast as it formed. But if you are questioning your sexuality, please do not despair.

Human sexuality is a fluid, ever-changing aspect of humanity. We, as humans, are social creatures. We are also sexual creatures. In America it seems like we try to squash a healthy sex life, as if sexuality only exists for procreation and all other expressions of sexuality is wrong. I think many forget that, like every other animal, we have to go through sexual maturation, and that it is perfectly natural and healthy to explore our sexuality. To consider yourself a sexual being is not the same as being promiscuous. A healthy sex life is nothing to be ashamed of.

And along with accepting humans as sexual creatures, one must accept that human sexuality is not a cookie-cutter concept. Sexuality is subjective. There is not strictly heterosexuality and everyone else who is just wrong. Within the dome of sexuality lies heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, transsexuality, pansexuality, asexuality, and everything else in between. This means that, if one become open-minded about sexuality, one must accept that all forms are right and natural.

Medical professionals, psychologists, and psychiatrists no longer view homosexuality as a disease or perversion of the mind. It is not something that can be changed. It cannot be fixed, because there is nothing to fix. These professionals have accepted that homosexuality (and all forms of sexuality) go deeper than biological happenings. There is no “gay gene.” Homosexuality, like all sexuality, is instinctual. It’s ability to be altered is like trying to change your skin color permanently, or your height. You can’t change the shape of your toes (without going to extreme measures), the way you dream, or your preference for chocolate over vanilla ice cream. Homosexuality is the same. Some people like vanilla ice cream. Other’s like rainbow sorbet.

Although many do not believe this. Those usually stand behind institutionalized religion. They believe that it’s a sin, and that’s it’s a choice. It can be changed. And if you don’t change it, then you are going to hell and no higher, Almighty being will ever be able to forgive you.

If you are questioning your sexuality, ignore everyone. Ignore those who are against homosexuality. Ignore everyone who says “It’s just a phase, you’ll grow out of it.” Ignore everything but your own feelings, your own emotions. There are a lot of stereotypes surrounding lesbians, but only you can tell yourself if you’re gay or not. Dig down deep into your heart and ask yourself which gender do you find yourself physically attracted to. Ask yourself if you’re pretending to be someone you’re not. Ask yourself if you’re hiding your true feelings.

You have to do a lot of thinking. You have to self-evaluate. You have to take your time and come to a solid conclusion.

When you come across truth – that yes, you may very well be a lesbian – then you have to take the next step. You have to come to terms with your sexuality.

Lesbian Terminology – “Gaydar”

Gayday

noun

1. gay radar

2. The ability to pick out all gay individuals in a crowd

3. The ability to instantly know if someone is gay, like a 6th sense.

This is a handy little intuition to have! Gaydar relies on observation and intuition. If you have good gaydar, you can tell if someone is gay the moment you meet them. BAM! It’s like the same thing that creepy little kid from The 6th Sense has, only instead of sensing dead people, you sense gay people. Wonder what where the gaydar would rate Bruce Willis?

Lesbian Lessons For Newbies (a new segment of The Lesbian Sage)

Good morning, bitches (it’s 1:15am here).

I have this idea for a new blog segment here on The Lesbian Sage. It’ll be like a college course, “Lesbian 101”, everything new lesbians need to know about the scene. I’ll post “lessons” about coming out, getting involved in your community, dating, and facing adversity. It’ll be a crash course in gay for beginners.

What ya’ll think? I think it’s a fucking good idea, but that’s just me.