Tag Archives: lesbian 101

Lesbian 101 – Lesson Three: Coming Out

Recap of last lesson: Coming to terms with your sexuality (whatever it might be), is going to be one of the best things you can do for yourself. Knowing exactly where you stand will help you overcome future obstacles.

Onto Lesson Three: Coming Out

WARNING: this will be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. And results aren’t guaranteed.

You now know, for a fact, that you are gay. There is no denying it. And you’ve accepted yourself for who you are. That’s great, really, but that alone won’t give you a happy life. It’s not enough to be knowledgeable of your sexuality – you have to be able to live freely.

And living freely means telling the people closest to you that you’re gay.

This isn’t going to be easy. There is no way to sugar coat the potential disastrous outcomes that can result from coming out, especially if the people you are coming out to are narrow-minded.

Then why come out at all?

Who wants to live in a closest their whole like?! Honestly, no one. No one likes hiding their true self from people, especially family and friends. It involves constant lying and paranoia, and that kind of stress can ruin your life. You may lose friends or family members when you come out to them, but wouldn’t you rather be out and be proud then hiding away like a coward?

Clarification: not all people who are still in the closet are cowards. Everyone has to come out at their own time, when they are ready to do so.

But if it is your time, and you are ready to come out, I hope this blog post will help.

Many people might try to come out to their parents first. I actually do not agree with this. Parents can be some of the most difficult people to come out to, and you have to really be mentally prepared to deal with the outcome. I suggest coming out to a really close friend first, especially if you are in your teens/early twenties. Usually, for adults who haven’t come out yet to their family, they live on their own. So their friends are more likely to be knowledgeable of their sexuality because they are living a life separate from their parents. But many younger individuals, especially if they are underage, live under the thumb of their families.

If you are young, or still live with your parents, tell your closest friend first. This friend should be someone you trust, who is your friend because they like the real you. But, how exactly do you come out to them?

You should go out to lunch or coffee with your friend. This puts you in a public setting where most people tend to feel calmer. Do not, and I repeat, do NOT come out to someone over text message or email. I have personal experience with something similar, and I can tell you that only bad things will come of it. This needs to be face-to-face. You may not want to do it at your house, or theirs, because you do not want families’ opinions to get in the way, or accidentally come out to someone you weren’t ready to come out to. Unless you live on your own, that is.

Tell your friend that you have something important to confess to them, and that it is difficult for you to tell them. Because, trust me, it will be hard to come out to someone for the first time. You might choke, or chicken out, or open your mouth and no words come out. If the friend you pick is really your closest friend then, guess what?  They probably already know you’re gay, or they may have figured it out by how nervous you are. They may interrupt you at this point, and point out that they have known or that they have just guessed.

If they don’t interrupt, then you cannot escape saying the words “I’m gay” – and I can tell you not to just blurt it out, but at this point your nervousness is so intense you probably will blurt it out. And all you have to say to your friend is: “I’m gay, and it’s who I am. I value our friendship, and I hope this doesn’t change our relationship.”

Now, if they are really truly your friend, they won’t care. They shouldn’t care. Being gay doesn’t change who you are – it doesn’t change your personality or make you become someone you’re not. If they’re your friend, they will understand that this is a turbulent time in your life. They will accept you for who you are and embrace your sexuality as a point of worth in your friendship.

If they do not do any of the above, they I hate to tell you this…they aren’t you friend. You should drop them, immediately.

Friends are the easiest to come out to, though. Usually you pick your friend’s in accordance to your likes, dislikes, and personalities. So your friends are more likely to take news as good news.

It’s your family that will be the hardest. But here’s a little insider tip: your family members may not take it well at first (mine didn’t), but eventually they will. They will have their “aha” moment. One day, maybe without warning, they will turn around and start accepting you, without any explanation. Mine did. This means that, internally, they have accepted that which they cannot change, and have decided that it isn’t really such a big deal.

To come out to your family members, you’re going to want to do almost the same thing as above. Bring your closest family members into the main room in your house, and tell them you have something to tell them. Explain to them that this is very hard for you, that you do not want to hurt anyone, but you have been hiding something for years and you just have to tell them. You can’t keep it in any longer. It’ll be one of the most nerve-wrecking things you may ever have to do, but just take a deep breath and say “I’m gay, but that doesn’t change who I am. I am still the same person I was five minutes ago. I still love all of you.”

If your family is awesome, or if they have already figured it out, they won’t take this news badly. They will be able to accept your sexual orientation instantaneously. If your family is shocked by this news, or maybe is more of a traditional family, you will have some speed bumps. They may have a mild reaction, where they will only take a few days to accept this fact. Or they may have a very severe reaction. You have to hope for the best, but expect the worst. My parents’ reactions weren’t exactly the greatest – there was a lot of crying and a lot of yelling. But almost three years have passed and they have come to accept me, and my partner, fully. Time isn’t your enemy, but your friend. Some family members are not ready to hear that their child is gay, and react badly. They may need some time and space before realizing that they cannot change it, so they might as well accept their child for who they are, and not try to change them.

A good idea is to do some research. There are some books that have a collection of coming out stories. Look online at blogs and videos about people’s coming out stories. Get advice from friends who have gone through similar situations. Go to a LGBTQ group in your school or community and speak with the people involved in it. Knowledge and preparedness are your best weapons. Know how to answer the tough questions family members will throw at you. Know where to go if things don’t go the way you planned it.

We are all hoping for easy and happily received outing. But it doesn’t always happen. Not everyone is going to come out in the same way, and not everyone is going to react in the same way. They may yell at you, they may say hurtful things, they may cry, they may hug you and tell you it’ll be alright. That’s why it’s good to be prepared. Know who to go to, and who to talk to, when things get hairy.

After the hurdle of friends and family, who you come out to next is up to you. It could be your co-worker, your boss, your neighbor…but it’ll be easy. You’ll have this weight lifted off your shoulders from coming out to your family that it’ll be no big deal. All of a sudden you’ll be like “Yeah, I’m gay. So what?” Trust me, family is tough. After you get that behind you, everything becomes easier.

Because it really isn’t a big deal, right? Who cares what anyone thinks? You’re gay, you can’t change it, so might as well smile wide and be proud.

So you can do it. You can come out to the people who you love. And remember, they love you too. They might act shocked, hurt, and defensive, but they love you, no matter what they say in the heat of the moment. Some people just need more time than others. But you can do it – I have faith in you. I believe in you.

And after you come out to the people who matter, and you can breathe again and smile again, you’re on to the next step: knowing your community.

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I’ve Been Outed!

Geez, look at the gaps between my posts! I haven’t been very consistent with my blogging, but I have an annoying friend that keeps me away from my computer – it’s called life. And sometimes, it sucks all my free time up. But I decided to take a break from school this semester, and I do not start until January. I am hoping this will help me increase my posts to maybe a weekly installment? (Hopefully)

Anyway, this summer has been very eventful. Though my new, full-time, doctor’s office job kept me from going on vacation this year, I almost didn’t need to get away this summer. A weight has been lifted off my shoulder.

My mother outed me.

At a funeral, no less!

I was visiting my childhood friend with Em, my fiancée, close by to where my parents live when I was informed my godfather had passed away. Which put me in a little bit of a predicament. I was supposed to be heading home. I had Em with me. My mother told me I could bring Em, which I found a little odd. Even though I have rectified my relationship with my parents (they even helped finance a car for me since mine died), I was bringing her into a situation where none of my other family members had any idea I was gay.

Well, my mother fixed that by outing me to the entire funeral parlor before I arrived. My brother, my uncles, my godmother, family friends…she told everyone! And then my father threatened anyone who had a problem with it.

At a damn funeral!

I have to say that I am very proud of my parents. They went from being very hesitant and kind of harsh to loving Em and supporting and protecting me. They almost brag about it sometimes to their friends. They have done a complete 180 and I don’t know what sparked it, but I am happy we have all settled on the same page.

Honestly, it feels much better this way. I feel like I can breathe again. They are actually excited when Em and I comes and visit. Soon, they will be moving closer to where we live, and they have already stated that they expect us to visit at least every other weekend for dinner. I mean, a complete change since when I started this blog. It was hell for a few years. And we all felt hurt by each other. But they have finally accepted me for who I am, and I am so happy they have!

So, if anyone else out there is struggling with someone who isn’t supportive of your orientation (like parents or friends), know that maybe all they need is time. Time to absorb things, process, and time to see that you aren’t a different person than what they’ve come to know, only that who you love might be viewed as unconventional.

But maybe they shouldn’t come to this realization while attending a funeral….

Seriously. Why couldn’t it have been at a BBQ or something more informal?!

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Lesbian Terminology – “Deb”

Deb

noun

1. Someone is who a “Debbie Downer” – pessimistic and negative. Someone who brings the whole atmosphere down.

2. Can also be used to refer to someone who is annoying or someone you dislike.

If you’ve ever watched The Real L Word, then you know where this term comes from.

I don’t believe it’s used too often in East Coast lesbian slang…at least not where I’m from.

But, I think it’s safe to say – gay or straight – we all know some Debs.

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Lesbian Terminology – “Lone Star Lesbian”

Lone Star Lesbian

noun

1. A lesbian who has only slept (or been with) one woman their whole life.

Ah, the lone star lesbian. A woman who has only been with one other woman…ever!

This concept isn’t a rarity, however. It happens within heterosexual relationships too. High school sweethearts, your first relationship has been your only relationship…there is a lone star within every orientation!

(I am a proud Gold Star/Lone Star!)

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Lesbian 101 – Lesson Two: Coming To Terms With Your Sexuality

This lesson is overdue. And for that, I apologize.

Recap of last lesson: Questioning your sexuality is a natural part of maturing as an individual. So, if you are thinking that you might be gay, it is absolutely nothing to panic over.

Onto Lesson Two: Coming To Terms With Your Sexuality.

There are a lot of opinions out there. Some will tell you what you are feeling is just a phase. Some will tell you that you are just second guessing yourself, and to let that idea go. Others will try to get you to believe that what they are saying is the truth.

Ignore them. Ignore them all. No one can tell you how to feel, who to love. The only person who can uncover the truth is yourself.

If you are struggling to come to terms with the fact that you might be gay, know that you are not alone. Many struggle with these exact issues. And there is a way to deal with it.

You need to spend some time to reevaluate yourself. Go somewhere quiet where you can be alone, and think. This is key! You need to think. Think about who you are, what makes you you. Remember all of the positive things about you, and know that no matter what your sexuality is, it does not determine your self-worth.

Having said that, you will need to do some intense thinking. Imagining yourself as both heterosexual and homosexual – ignore social norms and figure out which one feels more natural to you. When you imagine yourself kissing someone, is it always a girl? Do you find women attractive, and in more than just a physical way? Which gender makes your heart race and palms sweat more?

Homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, asexual, pansexual – they are all just labels used to describe types of love. Focus less on the labels and more on your feelings. How you feel is more important than how other people might label you.

Coming to terms with your sexuality takes time. It won’t happen over night. You’ll go through some emotions, very similar to the Five Stages of Grief. You’ll begin in denial (“No, I’m not gay. I can’t be.”), move through anger (“Why is this happening to me?”), bargaining (“Maybe if I experiment a little I’ll find out I’m not actually gay…”), depression (“I can’t believe I might be gay. My life is ruined.”), until finally you come to the most important stage: acceptance.

Accepting your sexuality (no matter what it is) is a profound experience. It’s this moment where your mind suddenly become crisp and clear. You stop, and realize that, yes, this is your sexuality and that it isn’t that bad. When you accept your sexuality, you will feel this huge weight lifted off of your shoulders. Suddenly, everything falls into place. All your problems have a source and all your feelings have a reason. Suddenly, you can’t stop smiling.

Acceptance of yourself is such a great feeling, it’s almost indescribable. Some people have always known that they were gay. It takes others a long time to come to terms with their own sexuality. No pace is wrong, or too slow. You have to take your time and really feel confident in yourself.

No one can tell you what to be. If you’re gay, you’re gay! You cannot decide to be gay or straight, you can only decide how and when you will accept your sexuality.

And when, and if, you accept your sexuality, it will feel amazing. Your confidence level will raise, and suddenly it will feel like you could conquer the world. You need to realize that you are never alone. Reaching out to others who have gone through this exact process can bring new light to your situation. Finding support forums on the internet or talking with someone you personally know and trust can help you muddle through all the useless stuff and help you find that acceptance.

Like everything in life, there are things you cannot change. You cannot change your sexuality, you can only change your reaction to it. If you choose to accept that you are gay (or straight, or bi, or whatever), it is a huge step in your growth as a person that needs to be celebrated.

Once you have accepted your sexuality, you need to congratulate yourself. Because you are one step closer to your next step: coming out.

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Lesbian 101 – Lesson One: So You Might Like Girls.

Maybe you’ve always known you were different. Strange. You didn’t quite fit in. And even when it seemed like you did, there was hesitation in letting yourself settle into the niche.

Maybe you’ve shouted too loudly against gay rights. Been overzealous. Go out of your way to make sure people understand you are not, in any way, gay. Feeling the need to compensate for something. Constantly anxious. Panicky.

Maybe you’ve slept around. Been boy crazy. Again, overzealous. Compensating for something unforeseen. Insecure. Unable to commit. Moving from one relationship to another at an alarming rate.

Or maybe you’ve never quite felt right around men. Find them strange. Not relatable. They make you nervous, and you clam up whenever one is around. You act cold towards them. You can’t trust them.

Ever been through a tomboy stage? Ever found yourself staring at another girl? Ever found yourself wondering, what if I liked girls?

Homosexuality isn’t one-dimensional. It’s multifaceted. Not every lesbian is butch. Not every lesbian feels the same way. Not every lesbian has the same story. Every human is prone to feel, at some time in their life, that they might be gay, even if it’s just a tiny, passing thought that disappears as fast as it formed. But if you are questioning your sexuality, please do not despair.

Human sexuality is a fluid, ever-changing aspect of humanity. We, as humans, are social creatures. We are also sexual creatures. In America it seems like we try to squash a healthy sex life, as if sexuality only exists for procreation and all other expressions of sexuality is wrong. I think many forget that, like every other animal, we have to go through sexual maturation, and that it is perfectly natural and healthy to explore our sexuality. To consider yourself a sexual being is not the same as being promiscuous. A healthy sex life is nothing to be ashamed of.

And along with accepting humans as sexual creatures, one must accept that human sexuality is not a cookie-cutter concept. Sexuality is subjective. There is not strictly heterosexuality and everyone else who is just wrong. Within the dome of sexuality lies heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, transsexuality, pansexuality, asexuality, and everything else in between. This means that, if one become open-minded about sexuality, one must accept that all forms are right and natural.

Medical professionals, psychologists, and psychiatrists no longer view homosexuality as a disease or perversion of the mind. It is not something that can be changed. It cannot be fixed, because there is nothing to fix. These professionals have accepted that homosexuality (and all forms of sexuality) go deeper than biological happenings. There is no “gay gene.” Homosexuality, like all sexuality, is instinctual. It’s ability to be altered is like trying to change your skin color permanently, or your height. You can’t change the shape of your toes (without going to extreme measures), the way you dream, or your preference for chocolate over vanilla ice cream. Homosexuality is the same. Some people like vanilla ice cream. Other’s like rainbow sorbet.

Although many do not believe this. Those usually stand behind institutionalized religion. They believe that it’s a sin, and that’s it’s a choice. It can be changed. And if you don’t change it, then you are going to hell and no higher, Almighty being will ever be able to forgive you.

If you are questioning your sexuality, ignore everyone. Ignore those who are against homosexuality. Ignore everyone who says “It’s just a phase, you’ll grow out of it.” Ignore everything but your own feelings, your own emotions. There are a lot of stereotypes surrounding lesbians, but only you can tell yourself if you’re gay or not. Dig down deep into your heart and ask yourself which gender do you find yourself physically attracted to. Ask yourself if you’re pretending to be someone you’re not. Ask yourself if you’re hiding your true feelings.

You have to do a lot of thinking. You have to self-evaluate. You have to take your time and come to a solid conclusion.

When you come across truth – that yes, you may very well be a lesbian – then you have to take the next step. You have to come to terms with your sexuality.

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Lesbian Lessons For Newbies (a new segment of The Lesbian Sage)

Good morning, bitches (it’s 1:15am here).

I have this idea for a new blog segment here on The Lesbian Sage. It’ll be like a college course, “Lesbian 101”, everything new lesbians need to know about the scene. I’ll post “lessons” about coming out, getting involved in your community, dating, and facing adversity. It’ll be a crash course in gay for beginners.

What ya’ll think? I think it’s a fucking good idea, but that’s just me.

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Lesbian Terminology – “Pillow Queen”

Pillow Queen

A noun or an adjective (or a noun as an adjective…I hate grammar)

1. A lesbian who likes to receive sex but not reciprocate

2. A lesbian who enjoys receiving sex…a lot.

Example: My girlfriend is such a pillow queen! I can never get any.

 

Clarification is needed. It is common knowledge (to the general population) that there is a general separation between lesbians (femme and butches – however, us lesbians know there is a more complex way to categorize a lesbian). A pillow queen isn’t necessarily the more feminine lesbian. Anyone (including you hetero folks!) can be a pillow queen. Like getting sexed but hate giving it? You’re a pillow queen. Want your partner to do all the work and not return the favor? Well, aren’t we a pretty pillow queen! Can also be described as “selfishness”.

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Why Being Hit On By A Woman Is Different Than Being Hit On By A Man

And, in my opinion, a thousand times better. But that’s just me.

So after consulting Emily on this, I have decided to share with you our reasons for this conclusion.

For me, and for Emily, being hit on by men leaves us feeling scummy. Often, we have the unfortunate luck of getting hit on by the creepiest men ever. I do not know why this is. Murphy’s fucking law? For us, being hit on by a woman is a much more pleasant experience.

I’d like to point out here that not every guy who will hit on a woman is a slime ball, and not every lesbian who hits on a woman is the epitome of chivalry. These conclusions are based on personal experiences.

Men who have hit on me do the creepiest things alone with a “pick up line”. I’ve had a worker at a Dunkin Donuts that I frequented after the evening shift at work tell me that when I come in is his “favorite time of night,” and then proceed to stare at me the whole time I was in there. I’ve had another Dunkin Donuts worker (at a different DD) hold my hand after giving me change at the drive through window and tell me I was lucky for only getting charged for one coffee. He even stroked my hand. Other times have included getting suddenly ass-raped at a frat party while I was clearly dancing with my girlfriend and being told I in a every sexual manner by the fry cook at my first college that I was welcome to all the pancakes he had.

Emily works in a hospital and is constantly getting hit on by men at work. Here would be a good time to insert a physical description of us both. I’m 5’2, brunette gone red-head, and femme. This means I’m always wearing makeup and I always try to look nice. Emily is 5’5, brunette, and butch. This means she has a short haircut and her attire leans more towards the masculine side (although she does wear dresses on occasions, and not against her will, I might add), and covered in tattoos. But at work she is in scrubs. Yet clearly giving off a lesbian vibe does not deter men. On the contrary, they actually try harder. She’s been told that she’s “a beautiful white woman”, is constantly being asked for her phone number, and even had a man offer to pay her cell phone bill for her!

We have both been hit on by women, as well. So we have come up with a few major differences between the two.

1. Brazenness

Men and women have different degrees of brazenness. Men are brazen because they are more likely say things like “Hey, how you doing sexy lady?” to a complete stranger walking down the street. A woman’s approach is usually more along the lines of “Hey, I don’t know if you’re gay or not, but I was justing wondering if you’d like to hang out sometime.” I’m not saying this is true for all scenarios, but of all the ones I’ve encountered, this has been the case.

2. They way you say it

Men, along with their brazenness, hit on woman with a tone that suggests ‘while yes, you are an attractive woman, I notice your attractiveness not because I want to revel in your beauty but because I want your ass naked in my bed’.

Lesbians often times hit on woman for the same reasons, but use a completely different tone. Ever heard the saying a woman knows what a woman wants?  How about a woman knows what other women want? It’s true that lesbians, being women, understand how they would want to be hit on. So they apply that tact to the women they hit on. Their tone suggests ‘wow, I think you’re beautiful and I’m going to tell you that but not because I want to get into your pants, but because I want to revel in your beauty and make you feel wonderful‘. Lesbians, understand the need to feel special, often times will hit on women with this in mind, making the women they hit on feel special.

Now, many of you may disagree with me. I’m telling you this is based off of our experiences. The men who have hit on us have used the mentioned tone, and the women who have hit on us have used a completely different tone. This isn’t always the case, though.

3. The meaning behind the words.

As stated earlier, many times when a man makes their move the women they hit on can fully comprehend their reasonings behind their actions. Sex. More often I have encountered men who’s pick up lines and attitude while hitting on me have been completely sexual in nature. You just get this vibe that everything they are saying is just to get you naked.

Hey, guess what? If a lesbian is hitting on you, she probably wants your ass naked in her bed as well. However, lesbians are able to hide these motives behind SINCERE words. We, women, try to be more honest when hitting on other women. We don’t like feeling like a piece of meat, so why would we treat prospective mates as such? Just because we may only want a one night stand doesn’t mean we’re gonna treat you purely as a sex object. There is a lot of listening to your problems and all the shit.

This has a lot to due with sex. Heterosexual sex involved two people, one person giving and one person receiving, and it happens at the same time. Both people involved in the act are trying to achieve the same goal at the same exact time. This can lead to selfishness within the sexual relationship, since pleasuring yourself happens while you pleasure your partner. Hence issues with one person finishing before the other. In homosexual sex, especially lesbian sex, it is a little more difficult for both partners to have simultaneous…completion. The basic mechanics of lesbian sex is you pleasure your partner first, and then you get pleasured. So many lesbians are constantly putting their sex partners first, because in homosexual sex you cannot just think about yourself. There is no selfishness in lesbian sex. Otherwise you’re a pillow queen.

This ultimately leads to a more efficient way to hit on a woman. Lesbians know what to say and how to say it because it’s what they want to be said to them. Make sense?

Again, this isn’t true for all situations. I’m sure there are some perfectly wonderful gentlemen out there. And I’m certain that there are creeping lesbians out there. But after combining Emily’s and mine experiences, we have to say, of all the times we’ve been hit on, we rather be hit on by women than men.

So bitches, if you’re straight and are being hit on by creepy men, maybe it’s the places you’re hanging out. If you want to attract a certain kind of man, then go where that type of man would hang out. And, bitches, if you’re a lesbian, keep on rocking that lesbian swag.

Time to weigh in, bitch scouts. What do ya’ll think? Have your experiences swayed your opinion one way or another? Or do you think we’re down right crazy here at The Lesbian Saga?

 

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