Lesbian 101 – Lesson Three: Coming Out

Recap of last lesson: Coming to terms with your sexuality (whatever it might be), is going to be one of the best things you can do for yourself. Knowing exactly where you stand will help you overcome future obstacles.

Onto Lesson Three: Coming Out

WARNING: this will be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. And results aren’t guaranteed.

You now know, for a fact, that you are gay. There is no denying it. And you’ve accepted yourself for who you are. That’s great, really, but that alone won’t give you a happy life. It’s not enough to be knowledgeable of your sexuality – you have to be able to live freely.

And living freely means telling the people closest to you that you’re gay.

This isn’t going to be easy. There is no way to sugar coat the potential disastrous outcomes that can result from coming out, especially if the people you are coming out to are narrow-minded.

Then why come out at all?

Who wants to live in a closest their whole like?! Honestly, no one. No one likes hiding their true self from people, especially family and friends. It involves constant lying and paranoia, and that kind of stress can ruin your life. You may lose friends or family members when you come out to them, but wouldn’t you rather be out and be proud then hiding away like a coward?

Clarification: not all people who are still in the closet are cowards. Everyone has to come out at their own time, when they are ready to do so.

But if it is your time, and you are ready to come out, I hope this blog post will help.

Many people might try to come out to their parents first. I actually do not agree with this. Parents can be some of the most difficult people to come out to, and you have to really be mentally prepared to deal with the outcome. I suggest coming out to a really close friend first, especially if you are in your teens/early twenties. Usually, for adults who haven’t come out yet to their family, they live on their own. So their friends are more likely to be knowledgeable of their sexuality because they are living a life separate from their parents. But many younger individuals, especially if they are underage, live under the thumb of their families.

If you are young, or still live with your parents, tell your closest friend first. This friend should be someone you trust, who is your friend because they like the real you. But, how exactly do you come out to them?

You should go out to lunch or coffee with your friend. This puts you in a public setting where most people tend to feel calmer. Do not, and I repeat, do NOT come out to someone over text message or email. I have personal experience with something similar, and I can tell you that only bad things will come of it. This needs to be face-to-face. You may not want to do it at your house, or theirs, because you do not want families’ opinions to get in the way, or accidentally come out to someone you weren’t ready to come out to. Unless you live on your own, that is.

Tell your friend that you have something important to confess to them, and that it is difficult for you to tell them. Because, trust me, it will be hard to come out to someone for the first time. You might choke, or chicken out, or open your mouth and no words come out. If the friend you pick is really your closest friend then, guess what?  They probably already know you’re gay, or they may have figured it out by how nervous you are. They may interrupt you at this point, and point out that they have known or that they have just guessed.

If they don’t interrupt, then you cannot escape saying the words “I’m gay” – and I can tell you not to just blurt it out, but at this point your nervousness is so intense you probably will blurt it out. And all you have to say to your friend is: “I’m gay, and it’s who I am. I value our friendship, and I hope this doesn’t change our relationship.”

Now, if they are really truly your friend, they won’t care. They shouldn’t care. Being gay doesn’t change who you are – it doesn’t change your personality or make you become someone you’re not. If they’re your friend, they will understand that this is a turbulent time in your life. They will accept you for who you are and embrace your sexuality as a point of worth in your friendship.

If they do not do any of the above, they I hate to tell you this…they aren’t you friend. You should drop them, immediately.

Friends are the easiest to come out to, though. Usually you pick your friend’s in accordance to your likes, dislikes, and personalities. So your friends are more likely to take news as good news.

It’s your family that will be the hardest. But here’s a little insider tip: your family members may not take it well at first (mine didn’t), but eventually they will. They will have their “aha” moment. One day, maybe without warning, they will turn around and start accepting you, without any explanation. Mine did. This means that, internally, they have accepted that which they cannot change, and have decided that it isn’t really such a big deal.

To come out to your family members, you’re going to want to do almost the same thing as above. Bring your closest family members into the main room in your house, and tell them you have something to tell them. Explain to them that this is very hard for you, that you do not want to hurt anyone, but you have been hiding something for years and you just have to tell them. You can’t keep it in any longer. It’ll be one of the most nerve-wrecking things you may ever have to do, but just take a deep breath and say “I’m gay, but that doesn’t change who I am. I am still the same person I was five minutes ago. I still love all of you.”

If your family is awesome, or if they have already figured it out, they won’t take this news badly. They will be able to accept your sexual orientation instantaneously. If your family is shocked by this news, or maybe is more of a traditional family, you will have some speed bumps. They may have a mild reaction, where they will only take a few days to accept this fact. Or they may have a very severe reaction. You have to hope for the best, but expect the worst. My parents’ reactions weren’t exactly the greatest – there was a lot of crying and a lot of yelling. But almost three years have passed and they have come to accept me, and my partner, fully. Time isn’t your enemy, but your friend. Some family members are not ready to hear that their child is gay, and react badly. They may need some time and space before realizing that they cannot change it, so they might as well accept their child for who they are, and not try to change them.

A good idea is to do some research. There are some books that have a collection of coming out stories. Look online at blogs and videos about people’s coming out stories. Get advice from friends who have gone through similar situations. Go to a LGBTQ group in your school or community and speak with the people involved in it. Knowledge and preparedness are your best weapons. Know how to answer the tough questions family members will throw at you. Know where to go if things don’t go the way you planned it.

We are all hoping for easy and happily received outing. But it doesn’t always happen. Not everyone is going to come out in the same way, and not everyone is going to react in the same way. They may yell at you, they may say hurtful things, they may cry, they may hug you and tell you it’ll be alright. That’s why it’s good to be prepared. Know who to go to, and who to talk to, when things get hairy.

After the hurdle of friends and family, who you come out to next is up to you. It could be your co-worker, your boss, your neighbor…but it’ll be easy. You’ll have this weight lifted off your shoulders from coming out to your family that it’ll be no big deal. All of a sudden you’ll be like “Yeah, I’m gay. So what?” Trust me, family is tough. After you get that behind you, everything becomes easier.

Because it really isn’t a big deal, right? Who cares what anyone thinks? You’re gay, you can’t change it, so might as well smile wide and be proud.

So you can do it. You can come out to the people who you love. And remember, they love you too. They might act shocked, hurt, and defensive, but they love you, no matter what they say in the heat of the moment. Some people just need more time than others. But you can do it – I have faith in you. I believe in you.

And after you come out to the people who matter, and you can breathe again and smile again, you’re on to the next step: knowing your community.

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I’ve Been Outed!

Geez, look at the gaps between my posts! I haven’t been very consistent with my blogging, but I have an annoying friend that keeps me away from my computer – it’s called life. And sometimes, it sucks all my free time up. But I decided to take a break from school this semester, and I do not start until January. I am hoping this will help me increase my posts to maybe a weekly installment? (Hopefully)

Anyway, this summer has been very eventful. Though my new, full-time, doctor’s office job kept me from going on vacation this year, I almost didn’t need to get away this summer. A weight has been lifted off my shoulder.

My mother outed me.

At a funeral, no less!

I was visiting my childhood friend with Em, my fiancée, close by to where my parents live when I was informed my godfather had passed away. Which put me in a little bit of a predicament. I was supposed to be heading home. I had Em with me. My mother told me I could bring Em, which I found a little odd. Even though I have rectified my relationship with my parents (they even helped finance a car for me since mine died), I was bringing her into a situation where none of my other family members had any idea I was gay.

Well, my mother fixed that by outing me to the entire funeral parlor before I arrived. My brother, my uncles, my godmother, family friends…she told everyone! And then my father threatened anyone who had a problem with it.

At a damn funeral!

I have to say that I am very proud of my parents. They went from being very hesitant and kind of harsh to loving Em and supporting and protecting me. They almost brag about it sometimes to their friends. They have done a complete 180 and I don’t know what sparked it, but I am happy we have all settled on the same page.

Honestly, it feels much better this way. I feel like I can breathe again. They are actually excited when Em and I comes and visit. Soon, they will be moving closer to where we live, and they have already stated that they expect us to visit at least every other weekend for dinner. I mean, a complete change since when I started this blog. It was hell for a few years. And we all felt hurt by each other. But they have finally accepted me for who I am, and I am so happy they have!

So, if anyone else out there is struggling with someone who isn’t supportive of your orientation (like parents or friends), know that maybe all they need is time. Time to absorb things, process, and time to see that you aren’t a different person than what they’ve come to know, only that who you love might be viewed as unconventional.

But maybe they shouldn’t come to this realization while attending a funeral….

Seriously. Why couldn’t it have been at a BBQ or something more informal?!

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Lesbian Terminology – “Deb”



1. Someone is who a “Debbie Downer” – pessimistic and negative. Someone who brings the whole atmosphere down.

2. Can also be used to refer to someone who is annoying or someone you dislike.

If you’ve ever watched The Real L Word, then you know where this term comes from.

I don’t believe it’s used too often in East Coast lesbian slang…at least not where I’m from.

But, I think it’s safe to say – gay or straight – we all know some Debs.

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It Never Ceases To Amaze Me…

The audacity of some people!

I work in a doctor’s office, and I see a lot of crazy things. And I am always shocked. The flaws of society really show in a place like this.

Anyway, I was taking down information from a man to do a new patient appointment. His reason for leaving his old doctor’s office? His doctor retired and the hired a female doctor, and he doesn’t want to go to a female doctor, because he doesn’t “feel comfortable” and “doesn’t know how good of a doctor she is,” and “doesn’t really like women doctors.”

It took every ounce of self control not to say listen, buddy, she see’s so many guys’ junk, that yours isn’t going to make her react any differently. And, in fact, I bet she’s a brilliant doctor who doesn’t want a sexist patient like you, anyway.

This almost topped the man who threw his coat at me and told me to go hang it up and bring him a glass of water.

I really hate people. I really do.

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Softball Post #1 (2013)

Alabama’s Crimson Tide goes up against Southern Miss today. I wish it was televised, because I would have called in sick today. I just hope Alabama kicks some ass!!!

Roll Tide, Roll bitches!

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Again, and Again, and Again….

And on and on and on…

I keep saying I’m going to get back into posting, but I never do! But give me a break, I’m working full time plus going to school part time. Meaning I have NO time whatsoever!

Speaking of work, I am currently hunched over my keyboard at my desk, furiously typing away this post hoping my boss doesn’t walk in on me.

What? I’ve already finished my work for the morning!

Anyway, I really need to start blogging again. Since I dropped a class (I’m so scholarly), I’m hoping I can.

And plus, it’s college softball season. How can I not post about sitting around being a stereotypical lesbian, drinking beer while screaming at college girls in tight softball pants?! The correct answer is I cannot, therefore I will re-initiate my blog…again…for, like, the fifth time this year.

How much ya wanna bet I fall off the grid again?

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This Keeps Happening…

Once again I went off the grid for a while there.

I’d like to apologize. I’m not the best at school, so I have to work a little harder to get the grades. It eats up most of my time. That and job hunting…

And just having all intentions to blog and just never getting around to it.

Let’s add blogging as often as possible to my New Year’s revolutions, shall we?

Guess I’m back online, bitches!

…Where’s My Hurricane?

Worse than Hurricane Irene.

Why did the papers release this headline? It made everyone in my county panic, after being devastated by Irene. People bought $1000 generators (Emily’s soon-to-be stepdad bought us an $800 one). Dozens of schools and businesses closed in anticipation for Sandy. Many people called into work and left town.

And for what? This:

Oh my gosh, look at the damage – oh, wait…..

It was sunny Tuesday. It wasn’t raining. Hardly a leaf was out of place.

Worse than Irene?

Now, I’m not saying this storm didn’t cause billions of dollars of damage along the east coast. My hometown where my parents live experienced flooding and power outages. We all know that Manhattan experienced widespread damage from flooding like they’ve never seen. There is an island of the Jersey Shore that is currently on fire, and no emergency services can reach the island to put out the fire. Hundreds of lives were lost. The photos from Sandy’s damage is heart-wrenching.

No one could really get into our county when Irene hit. The bridges were impassible. People’s houses got washed away down to other counties. The street next to ours was lined with houses, and after Irene only a few stood. People lost property, livestock, and their lives were forever changed. There are still people living in FEMA trailers. And news coverage was very little until after the storm.

After Hurricane Irene in only a small part of the county:

Now, in no way am I trying to diminish the effects of Hurricane Sandy. I know it is a storm that will go into the history books. It’s just that everyone here in the county are frustrated. Some people went to great lengths to prepare for a storm that would be worse than Irene. And all we got here was a shower and some wind.

It is very frustrating when you expect to get inundated with damage, and nothing happens. It’s frustrating when you cannot return your overly priced generator that went unused.

I know thousands of people lost their homes during Sandy, and I know hundreds of people lost their lives. My heart, thoughts, and prayers go out to everyone affect by Sandy.

But really? Not even a puddle to account for. It’s a good thing our county did not have a duplicate of Irene, but goddammit, it sure is frustrating. People have to understand that when you say something like “This hurricane is going to be worse than Hurricane Irene,” and nothing happens, you’re gonna have some pissed off people.

Well, at least I got out of college for a day.

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That Bitch, Sandy

Oh, Sandy.

Sandy, Sandy, Sandy.

You’re a feisty bitch, aren’t cha?

Currently, I am sitting inside my girlfriend, Emily’s, house, anxiously looking out the window, waiting for the storm to hit. For those who don’t know, Hurricane Sandy is on a path of destruction along the East Coast, and the Northeast is preparing for a hell of a week. The “Frankenstorm” – as it has been affectionately named – is supposed to be a mixture of tropical storm and Nor’estern. Which means not only will there be 60mph damaging winds and potential flooding, but there is the possibility for snow.

Snow. And it isn’t even Halloween yet.

In fact, Halloween might be cancelled due to this freak storm. And the local papers are predicting it to be worse than Hurricane Irene that hit New York last year.

Worse than Irene.

Everyone is panicking. There are long lines at gas stations no matter what time of day, making getting gas quite a chore. Batteries, gallons of water, flashlights, and generators are disappearing off store shelves faster than employees can stock them. People are leaving town, shelters are being established, and it feels like the end of the world. I’m thinking about building a boat, myself.

Emily’s house is in central New York, and was right in the middle of the flooding from Hurricane Irene. Her county was destroyed, but luckily her house survived. But people are still living in FEMA trailers; they have barely finished rebuilding. And now those devastated by the first storm are about to get hit twice as bad.

It’s frightening.

Her house is high enough up that if there was significant flooding (or the dam broke), the house wouldn’t even be close to the flood waters. But the only way in and out of her town is by bridges. So if the bridges are deemed impassable, we are literally stuck on an island, separated from civilization by the flood waters of Hurricane Sandy. We are debating whether to evacuate early or not, but we have so many animals that we don’t know where we’d go. And we’re not leaving them behind.

It’s not even raining here yet, but watching the videos from the places already being affected by Sandy makes my anxiety level rise. Emily and her mother both work at a hospital (although not in the emergency room), and it’s unlikely that the hospital will close even if they are under water. Which means that both of them have to go into work unless they want to sacrifice sick days/personal days/vacation days. Which, to me, seems ridiculous, because why would you want you’re employees risking their lives if they are not working in emergency services (Emily works in a doctor’s office within the hospital, and her mom works as an outpatient operating room RN).

So, since I have a Subaru Forester nicknamed “The Beast”, I am driving Emily to and from work just incase the weather gets out of hand. Which will be an adventure, certainly.

10:40am update: it has started raining.


Hopefully we will weather the storm safely, and my thoughts and prayers go out to everyone who is currently in the eye of the storm. This is gonna be a bad one.

Sandy is proving to be one testy bitch.

I wonder if I can get WIFI on the arch I’m about to build?

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National Coming Out Day!

Today (October 11th) is National Coming Out Day!!!

I want everyone who is out of the proverbial closet to be proud of who they are!

And to all those still in there, being gay isn’t a shameful thing. You, too, should be proud of your sexuality.

Remember those who marched at the Second National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights in Washington, D.C., 25 years ago today, for their movement for equal rights still lives on today. This is why we have National Coming Out Day: to commemorate our past generations for providing us with the stepping stones to continue to fight for our rights!

NCOD challenge: Come out to one person today (granted that it is safe to do so within the situation/environment/community!) that doesn’t know your gay. This could be a coworker, a peer, a neighbor. Fly your rainbow flags and smile when someone asks you about it. Love yourself for who you are! ❤

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