Tag Archives: gay

Lesbian Lessons For Newbies (a new segment of The Lesbian Sage)

Good morning, bitches (it’s 1:15am here).

I have this idea for a new blog segment here on The Lesbian Sage. It’ll be like a college course, “Lesbian 101”, everything new lesbians need to know about the scene. I’ll post “lessons” about coming out, getting involved in your community, dating, and facing adversity. It’ll be a crash course in gay for beginners.

What ya’ll think? I think it’s a fucking good idea, but that’s just me.

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Lesbian Terminology – “Lesbian Potential”

Lesbian Potential

adjective

1. Someone, usually a woman (duh!), who has the potential to become a lesbian

2. Used to describe a woman who is giving off a lesbian “vibe” or who exhibits lesbian character traits.

Also known as “LP”, this term is used when you spot someone who could easily pass as a lesbian, or someone who you see lesbian potential in. Often time this is used in a wishful connotation, such as seeing a woman who you wish was a lesbian and claiming that they have LP.

Get it, bitches?

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Why Coming Home Sucks

Some facts:

During the semester, I live with my girlfriend and her mom. On Christmas and summer breaks, and holidays, my parents require me to visit home and try to make me stay as long as I can.

So basically I spend my year traveling between two households. This equates a lot of time, stress, and gas money.

The reason?

It basically all boils down to the fact that I am gay.

Background history:

For my very first year of college, I went to a small, private, all-woman’s liberal college in upstate NY. It was 2 1/2 hours away from my parents. I dormed. I freaking loved it!

Three months into college I came out to my parents, over the phone. I’m not sure how they took it, but the subject was dropped for a while.

In May I decided I wanted to transfer to another college around here and live with my girlfriend. I decided to tell my parents…over email (bad idea, I know).

The summer of 2011 was hell. There was a lot of crying, a lot of screaming, a lot of hopelessness. Finally I convinced my parents and I even got a car out of the deal.

The deal: I use student loans for school and they’ll pay my car insurance and my phone. The catch? I have to come home whenever school is not in session.

This creates two main problems: finding a job with restricted, unpredictable availability is practically impossible, and my girlfriend gets really down when I leave.

Okay, fast forward about a year to now. It’s June. I came home last Friday for the first time since Easter. And it’s been hell.

Reasons:

Reason #1:

I have tattoos that they do not know about, in visible places, like on my arms. I have to find ways to cover them that include bandages, bracelets, and really weak, transparent lies.

Reason #2:

I can’t sleep. I’ve spent the past year sleeping in a bed that has two things my bed at home doesn’t have: memory foam and my girlfriend. Nothing feels right about my childhood bed anymore. I can’t find a comfortable position, my pillows don’t feel right, it’s too hot, I can’t free-ball it because my dog pushes open my door every morning and my parents bedroom is right across from mine, and I barely get any sleep. That means I wake up feeling like crap.

Reason #3:

I’ve been ridiculously busy. I got home late Friday, I stayed out late Saturday, I volunteered/worked at a bookstore I worked at in high school all day Sunday, and Monday I spent all day chasing an asinine idea around.

Reason #4:

My grandmother. Crazy German broad. She’s my mother’s mother and she grew up privileged. Then she got married and became poor. She moved in with us when I was five because she foreclosed on her mobile home and her other three sons wouldn’t take her in.

She’s essentially a spoiled brat. She’s wants everything when she wants it, how she wants it, and she’s not afraid to hurt someone’s feelings. In fact, she makes you feel like shit at least once a day. She doesn’t pay rent and she eats all of our food. My mom does everything for her yet she is the most ungrateful person you would ever have the misfortune of meeting. She’s been putting us through hell for 15 years.

And now she has found out I am gay, and she’s a big homophobe. I am not allowed to talk about my girlfriend, mention her name, or even wear anything with rainbows on it. I have to pretend to be straight.

Reason #5:

My brother. Here’s what you need to know about him. He’s my half-brother (my father was married before he married my mom, divorced, married my mom, and then it took them ten years to have me), he’s 14 years older than me, and after going through a divorce of his own he is currently homeless. His own mother won’t take him in so guess where he is staying.

We only have three bedrooms: my parents, my grandmother’s, and mine. So all his shit is now in my room, and when he gets back from his weekend at his new girlfriend’s, we will have to flip a coin to decide who will sleep on the couch. I’m 20. He’s 34. Shouldn’t we be passed this stage in our lives already?

I am so pissed about this it isn’t even funny.

Reason #6:

And this is the big reason why there is so much stress in my life. Between my parents, my grandmother, and my brother who doesn’t know that I am gay, my girlfriend is not allowed to visit the house. That makes her really upset and I totally get it. So while other couples my age can bring home their significant other during holidays and such, I can’t. This means I’m constantly running between households in order to make everyone happy. It would just be so much easier if I could bring Emily with me every time I visited home. So much easier. But I can’t. And it hurts.

So bitches, these last four days have been ridiculously stressful. And don’t even get me started on what happened yesterday, that’s a whole separate blog post.

Peace out, bitch scouts. I have to go pretend to be someone I’m not.

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Lesbian Terminology – “Pillow Queen”

Pillow Queen

A noun or an adjective (or a noun as an adjective…I hate grammar)

1. A lesbian who likes to receive sex but not reciprocate

2. A lesbian who enjoys receiving sex…a lot.

Example: My girlfriend is such a pillow queen! I can never get any.

 

Clarification is needed. It is common knowledge (to the general population) that there is a general separation between lesbians (femme and butches – however, us lesbians know there is a more complex way to categorize a lesbian). A pillow queen isn’t necessarily the more feminine lesbian. Anyone (including you hetero folks!) can be a pillow queen. Like getting sexed but hate giving it? You’re a pillow queen. Want your partner to do all the work and not return the favor? Well, aren’t we a pretty pillow queen! Can also be described as “selfishness”.

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Lesbian Terminology – “Baby Dyke”

Baby Dyke

noun (pl. – baby dykes)

1. Usually a young, “new” lesbian (meaning one who has just come out) who is under the age of 25.

2. Can often refer to a soft butch (but rarely).

Example: I think the new girl is a baby dyke…

adjective

1. Used to describe a lesbian who is a new to the lesbian scene, just came out, or is a soft butch.

Example: God, she’s such a baby dyke!

 

Being 20, I can be described as a “baby dyke”, not because I am a more masculine lesbians but because I am young and new to the lesbian scene. Get it, bitches?

 

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Why Being Hit On By A Woman Is Different Than Being Hit On By A Man

And, in my opinion, a thousand times better. But that’s just me.

So after consulting Emily on this, I have decided to share with you our reasons for this conclusion.

For me, and for Emily, being hit on by men leaves us feeling scummy. Often, we have the unfortunate luck of getting hit on by the creepiest men ever. I do not know why this is. Murphy’s fucking law? For us, being hit on by a woman is a much more pleasant experience.

I’d like to point out here that not every guy who will hit on a woman is a slime ball, and not every lesbian who hits on a woman is the epitome of chivalry. These conclusions are based on personal experiences.

Men who have hit on me do the creepiest things alone with a “pick up line”. I’ve had a worker at a Dunkin Donuts that I frequented after the evening shift at work tell me that when I come in is his “favorite time of night,” and then proceed to stare at me the whole time I was in there. I’ve had another Dunkin Donuts worker (at a different DD) hold my hand after giving me change at the drive through window and tell me I was lucky for only getting charged for one coffee. He even stroked my hand. Other times have included getting suddenly ass-raped at a frat party while I was clearly dancing with my girlfriend and being told I in a every sexual manner by the fry cook at my first college that I was welcome to all the pancakes he had.

Emily works in a hospital and is constantly getting hit on by men at work. Here would be a good time to insert a physical description of us both. I’m 5’2, brunette gone red-head, and femme. This means I’m always wearing makeup and I always try to look nice. Emily is 5’5, brunette, and butch. This means she has a short haircut and her attire leans more towards the masculine side (although she does wear dresses on occasions, and not against her will, I might add), and covered in tattoos. But at work she is in scrubs. Yet clearly giving off a lesbian vibe does not deter men. On the contrary, they actually try harder. She’s been told that she’s “a beautiful white woman”, is constantly being asked for her phone number, and even had a man offer to pay her cell phone bill for her!

We have both been hit on by women, as well. So we have come up with a few major differences between the two.

1. Brazenness

Men and women have different degrees of brazenness. Men are brazen because they are more likely say things like “Hey, how you doing sexy lady?” to a complete stranger walking down the street. A woman’s approach is usually more along the lines of “Hey, I don’t know if you’re gay or not, but I was justing wondering if you’d like to hang out sometime.” I’m not saying this is true for all scenarios, but of all the ones I’ve encountered, this has been the case.

2. They way you say it

Men, along with their brazenness, hit on woman with a tone that suggests ‘while yes, you are an attractive woman, I notice your attractiveness not because I want to revel in your beauty but because I want your ass naked in my bed’.

Lesbians often times hit on woman for the same reasons, but use a completely different tone. Ever heard the saying a woman knows what a woman wants?  How about a woman knows what other women want? It’s true that lesbians, being women, understand how they would want to be hit on. So they apply that tact to the women they hit on. Their tone suggests ‘wow, I think you’re beautiful and I’m going to tell you that but not because I want to get into your pants, but because I want to revel in your beauty and make you feel wonderful‘. Lesbians, understand the need to feel special, often times will hit on women with this in mind, making the women they hit on feel special.

Now, many of you may disagree with me. I’m telling you this is based off of our experiences. The men who have hit on us have used the mentioned tone, and the women who have hit on us have used a completely different tone. This isn’t always the case, though.

3. The meaning behind the words.

As stated earlier, many times when a man makes their move the women they hit on can fully comprehend their reasonings behind their actions. Sex. More often I have encountered men who’s pick up lines and attitude while hitting on me have been completely sexual in nature. You just get this vibe that everything they are saying is just to get you naked.

Hey, guess what? If a lesbian is hitting on you, she probably wants your ass naked in her bed as well. However, lesbians are able to hide these motives behind SINCERE words. We, women, try to be more honest when hitting on other women. We don’t like feeling like a piece of meat, so why would we treat prospective mates as such? Just because we may only want a one night stand doesn’t mean we’re gonna treat you purely as a sex object. There is a lot of listening to your problems and all the shit.

This has a lot to due with sex. Heterosexual sex involved two people, one person giving and one person receiving, and it happens at the same time. Both people involved in the act are trying to achieve the same goal at the same exact time. This can lead to selfishness within the sexual relationship, since pleasuring yourself happens while you pleasure your partner. Hence issues with one person finishing before the other. In homosexual sex, especially lesbian sex, it is a little more difficult for both partners to have simultaneous…completion. The basic mechanics of lesbian sex is you pleasure your partner first, and then you get pleasured. So many lesbians are constantly putting their sex partners first, because in homosexual sex you cannot just think about yourself. There is no selfishness in lesbian sex. Otherwise you’re a pillow queen.

This ultimately leads to a more efficient way to hit on a woman. Lesbians know what to say and how to say it because it’s what they want to be said to them. Make sense?

Again, this isn’t true for all situations. I’m sure there are some perfectly wonderful gentlemen out there. And I’m certain that there are creeping lesbians out there. But after combining Emily’s and mine experiences, we have to say, of all the times we’ve been hit on, we rather be hit on by women than men.

So bitches, if you’re straight and are being hit on by creepy men, maybe it’s the places you’re hanging out. If you want to attract a certain kind of man, then go where that type of man would hang out. And, bitches, if you’re a lesbian, keep on rocking that lesbian swag.

Time to weigh in, bitch scouts. What do ya’ll think? Have your experiences swayed your opinion one way or another? Or do you think we’re down right crazy here at The Lesbian Saga?

 

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When Lesbians Crush…

They crush HARD!

Take, for example, my girlfriend Emily. Right now we are watching game 2 of the Woman’s College World Series of softball. We are rooting for Alabama. And Emily is practically creaming over one of the Alabama softball players.

And it is now an obsession.

So I’m listening to things that, as a jealous girlfriend, should be causing steam to violently erupt from my ears.

But, alas, I too am crushing on the same player.

There is a lot of screaming going on in the household right now as Alabama just scored three more runs. 8-1.

And as Emily says, “I wish I could just stand at home base and smack their asses.”

Damn straight, bitches.

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